My life exploded a little

In a few days I managed to lose a person I loved dearly, six pounds, and my mental health. The only way I deal with these issues is to not think. And Cloves help too. My school work has plummeted. My energy has plummeted. My state of mind is shattered. Sometimes I forget that I'm even here. I want to harm myself. But I don't have the energy to pull apart a shaving razor. I know that this blog was supposed to be about Danny. It will be. But so much hurts right now. I don't know if I can do it. I hurt everywhere. Sometimes I shake so badly I think I'm having a panic attack. Maybe it's just the feeling of abandonment. I want to die sometimes. Just to stop hurting. To stop feeling. I take Benadryl to fall asleep. I'm a waste of space.

Libraries <3 you

I work in the library at my high school. It's quiet and nice, and I can watch people. I love the library. Mrs. Clark has been in the high school all of my four years in the attendance office. She moved to the library this year. She listens to Simon and Garfunkel and likes Broadway show tunes. I asked her today if she knew Danny and I wrote down what she said on an index card. When I get home I will write it in my notebook. Its green and I have Danny's picture taped to the inside. I got it from an old yearbook that was here. His picture was only in one. The rest his name simply appeared under "camera shy." I copied exercises from a fitness magazine yesterday. I will try them at the gym. Perhaps I wont look so terrible if I do them enough. I used to be skinny. Really skinny. Now I'm fat from taking tiny pink pills that were supposed to improve my mental state of mind. It didn't improve much of anything else. Sometimes I think that I'll never look normal again. Sometimes I think that I'll never be normal again.

Introduction

When I was young I had a cousin. His name was Danny and his freckly smile made me laugh every time I saw him. Danny was my childhood playmate. As the years went by we drifted and when I heard that he had left a note on my grandmothers door I would day dream about calling him and becoming closer to him. Danny killed himself one summer not too long ago. His older brother is deaf and he took advantage of it to sit in the garage of his brothers house with the car on until he suffocated. At the memorial service I met his fiancee. And his little boy, Danny Jr. His mother did not attend. On my last summer vacation I was struck with the realization that my cousin had gone to my high school. A perfect project for my senior year. Finding Danny. Whoever reads this blog will have the pleasure of meeting Danny, and meeting me.